Warning....this is a long post...but i need the advice of people who are not "partial" to either party here...
My ex boyfriend/ boyfriend...whatever, who I have blogged about in a round about way before...the one I was happy to get rid of...John....left Sunday.
Getting him to leave was a hard thing for me to do. I had mixed feelings about it, but knew it was the right thing to do.....and still believe I did the right thing.
To understand this whole thing i need to give you some background.
John was adopted as a baby. Has never met his birth parents, can't find them, didn't have the most loving adoptive parents, no kisses good night or I love you's....which I can't imagine. He left for the Marines the day after high school graduation, completed 8 years. When he got out he stayed in Virginia for several years and worked as a warehouse manager for a medical supply company. He decided to come back to Ohio...couldn't find a job, resorted to bartending. Began drinking pretty heavily. Ended up with a DUI. Continued drinking.....etc.
He and I reconnected, (I knew him 18 years ago, actually I took him to the recruiters office when he left for the Marines) he ended coming up to the city where I live and we hit it off great. He loved my girls, he was fun and they loved him.
I noticed that he drank alot...but I did not notice that he couldn't go without the beer. When it hit me that he couldn't go with out it. I begged him to quit for fear he would drink himself to death, not because he is abusive when drinking, not to me or the kids, none whatsoever, simply because he was bound kill himself. He quit, went thru DT's, drank NA, slowly started to drink again, started to get back up to his normal drinking routine. I started harping again, he would slow down, start again, etc. I finally got to the point that if he didn't want to help himself, neither did I.
Fast forward to Sunday. I dropped him off at a friends house because I had made up my mind I was completely done. I wasn't going to live with an alcoholic who didn't want to help themselves. My kids didn't need to live with it either. Tuesday morning I got a phone call from his son's mother telling me that John was in jail for disorderly conduct, he had gotten in a fight with someone, somewhere, (which is not John at all, he just doesn't fight), So, I went to work Tuesday, called the VA, got information on an inpatient rehabilitation in a city about 1 1/2 hours away. I went to get him from jail after he went to court, (he got a fine and court costs), he asked if he could come home. I said, "No, this is what you are going to do"....told him about the rehab, and that I was taking him to his parents house to stay until he could leave for the rehab...he did not argue about it one time, didn't hesitate...said "ok"......
So, he is at his parents, goes to have his lab work done Tuesday and goes to rehab the following week.
Now, my purpose for this post...am I doing the right thing by sticking by his side during this?
John's positive's: he is very loving, has a big heart, treats me and the kids wonderful, wants a family, wants to be "better", he is helpful around the house, he is fun, he is funny, he is honest, he keeps me honest, he is supportive of me, he gets me, he loves me more than anything and needs me.
John's downfall's: he now has no job due to all of the events that have taken place, had never gotten his driver's license from his DUI 10 years ago, so he doesn't drive, (which I now think is because he knew he would drink and drive again), has a major battle to fight in getting sober.
His attitude is great right now, he wants to do this, says he wishes he would have never picked up the first beer ever, he is excited about going to this rehab and starting a new life, he is talking about going to school, about working, about getting his license, about being a family and saving money and going on trips.....
I love John, would love to be with John without the beer... did I feel trapped by him? YES, while drinking he was still a nice guy, but he was living in a "numb" state all the time. That may be fine for the one drinking but it is hell for the one not drinking. To him bills weren't an issue, money, jobs, etc...that was all clouded by his drinking while those things remained very real to me, the one who wasn't able to suffocate them with beer...so sure, I was frustrated...i felt like, 'hey, you don't care enough about yourself or this family to stop drinking...then i don't care about you", I was tired of fighting a battle I wasn't going to win.
Fast forward to today.
John is staying at his parents, (not by choice, he would much rather be at home with us), I am not letting him come home since I feel like,
1. what is that showing the kids? Sure they miss him being around, but they also don't want the drinking
2. I am afraid he won't take me serious and think that once he gets back here he will think that he has won.
3. I want him to seriously think about what he is about to go through and about what he is missing out on by choosing the alcohol over us once again.
I know that if it wasn't for the drinking that John would be a great man. When he is sober he wants to provide, he wants to be a family, he wants to take care of us...is giving him the chance to show us that he can do it so bad? He knows he can't come back until he does this, the kids know that he isn't coming back until he does this....why not give him a chance? I can live with a recovered/recovering alcoholic...I can't live with an alcoholic who doesn't want help. He knows that if he doesn't do this we are gone. He knows if he wants to be a family that this is the only way it is going to happen...he WANTS to do this and has finally admitted that he needs help.
He knows that he has to do this for HIM first...and he says he is...
We do watch Intervention, and there are many times John has cried thru it...I truly believe he wants to quit.
Am I doing the right thing?